An Origin Tale

I have always loved how the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes explained variations in human sexuality.

The closest ancestor of mankind was a race of powerful "double-humans." The double-humans possessed two of every human feature, but most importantly they possessed a complete soul. They varied in that they were either a double man, a double woman, or half man and half woman. Zeus feared the power of these unified humans, as they were capable of climbing Olympus and attacking the gods. So he split them in two and created mankind as we know it. Thus we are forever fated to seek the missing half of our soul and body, be it a male or female half.

Doubt

The last few days have been very strange, to say the least. Someone I deeply care for made a statement that hit me like a kick in the stomach. Since that moment a disquieting sadness has lingered in the back of my mind. On the other hand, I also feel very numb. It seems the situation has unearthed some long-settled doubts. Perhaps in some part of my unconscious mind, I think the statement might be true.

I suppose I had never experienced anything but empathy and warmth from the person, so the statement felt like a betrayal.

I suppose I should be happy that periods of sustained doubt have not been the norm in my life.

For The Bible Tells Me So

One of the issues I will need to address when I come out to my family is the condemnation of homosexuality by most Christian denominations. My family attends a non-denominational church that promotes the problematic modern doctrine of biblical literalism (of select passages, of course). They are pretty independent thinkers, but I anticipate that they will have difficulty breaking out of their traditional framework on the subject. Without getting into my personal religious views (another possible post or dozen), I do not believe that true Christianity is anti-homosexual.



I recently watched the documentary For The Bible Tells Me So. In fact, I made the mistake of starting the film while having a 'midnight snack', and I ended up watching the entire thing. I was a bit bleary-eyed at work the following morning, but it was worth it. The film examines arguments that the Bible condemns homosexuality, and presents the case that they either: 1. misinterpret the context of the passage, 2. mistranslate words in the passage, 3. refer to something other than consensual adult same sex relations. The film is a user-friendly overview of the subject and I highly recommend it. The Would Jesus Discriminate? website is another excellent resource on the subject.



** On a side note, I will not have Internet access over the next several days as I transition to a new place. See you all soon.

The Letter

I am composing what is best described as a "coming out" letter. In my stubbornness, I refuse to call it that; I am not fond of the term, for reasons I will explain at some point. The letter is not something I will eventually mail or e-mail. Initiating this discussion with a written communication is a bit disconnected and passive for my taste (although I am sure it is the right starting point for many). The reasoning behind writing it is that I want to enter into this discussion prepared; it will be such an important interaction that I want to create a framework for my thoughts, and ensure that I address everything I want to address. It remains to be seen whether I will be ready to act on the letter after it is finished.

If anyone has thoughts on what to include or omit, I would love to hear them. I will post the letter here eventually.

First

Who can forget their first love? I was a late bloomer in every sense; my first was not until I was seventeen, and I could have passed for fourteen. He was tall, olive-complected and broad-shouldered, with mahogany eyes. I was slight and fair and light-eyed. We met at school, immediately bonded, and it was not long until we were inseparable. He had an energetic charm that I found irresistible. He was unabashedly physically affectionate and had the ability to erase my shyness with his mere presence. We would constantly hug and hang on each other and lie around together. I even kissed him on the forehead or the cheek a few times. It was so beautifully unrestrained...

The night I truly kissed him will forever be burned into my mind. It was late and we were half asleep, lying around and talking. In an uncharacteristically impulsive moment, I leaned in and kissed him. He laughed and covered his face, so I pulled his hands away and kissed him again. Once again he shrugged it off; the conversation quieted, and he fell asleep. My emotions careened from euphoria to panic and back again until I drifted off to sleep. The next morning we resumed as if nothing had happened. We never spoke of that night. A short while later, I told him I was in love with him; he was impassive and said, "I love you too," as if he misheard me. We carried on as usual for months, but soon he began drifting away from me; I resisted and our relationship cooled for several weeks. When we eventually reconnected, I had reconciled my feelings for him and ensured that I always kept him at arms length, so to speak.

We remain good friends to this day, but it often seems that the young man I now know bears scant resemblance to the charming boy of a few years ago, my first love and my first kiss. Whether he changed or I did, I will never be certain.

I will always wonder what he was thinking at the time. Did he care for me so much that he was able to look past my clumsy advances? Was he so naïve and innocent that he could not see what was right in front of him? Perhaps someday I will ask him.

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Sigur Rós - Viðrar vel til Loftárása

The Right Direction

I don't know how to begin my foray into the world of blogging, so I will start with the simple truth. I am gay, and I am attempting to fully accept that fact. I thought I accepted my sexual orientation some time ago, but it has been my primary and constant preoccupation recently, which suggests that something needs to be addressed. I think my recent graduation from university has left my mind too idle; because of late, I am lost in my own world, lying awake at night thinking, continually distracted at work and essentially everywhere else. I have decided that a blog might be a good outlet for my thoughts. I am reminded of an Oscar Wilde quote: "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." Expressing myself through the anonymity of the Internet may not be ideal, but it is a step in the right direction.

The first question that tends to come up on this subject is whether or not I have "come out." Coming out is probably regarded by many as one of the first steps toward self-acceptance. I am not out to my family. A few of my friends know. The idea of coming out is often on my mind, but it is somewhat contrary to my personality. I don't want a dramatic discussion... I don't want to burden anyone... I don't even want to be reassured that they still accept me, as strange as that may sound. I don't want my family to feel like I previously did not trust them, nor do I want them to feel like I have any doubt about who I am. My present stance is that I will deal with the issue if I meet someone and establish a relationship, but I am beginning to doubt the wisdom of isolating myself in this way. Is coming out an important step? Or is it more of a ritual, a rite of passage?

On a lighter note, here's a video that never fails to make me laugh: